This Saturday night I stayed home to talk with God.
Sometimes we go out dancing
sometimes we hit a movie
when the carnival’s in town, for sure we go to that
but this Saturday night we had a good, long talk
about where we were headed, what our goals were
– you know, relationship talk –
and I was surprised to hear God say,
“I want to be closer to you,”
because I thought we already were,
that it was already pretty good, you know –
I didn’t think that getting closer would be a priority at this point
but before you know it God was saying,
“I don’t feel I can express my passion with you,”
and “I feel you put up barriers with me,”
and I thought, was I just deluding myself that we were close?
That it was good? How can God see all these holes
I never even noticed? Is God making this up? Was I?
and my brain whirred like the numbers on a casino slot machine.
I felt myself getting panicky inside, like maybe God finally saw
I was a loser and was going to leave me, but then God took my hand
and looked into my eyes, nice and long and deep,
and in that moment something in my heart tore open
– in the best way, I mean –
and I just sat there with tears in my eyes, breath caught in my throat
and somehow that moment stretched between God and me
until there was no space between us
and the word us didn’t exist because us implies two
and in that moment there were no lines, no walls, no barriers
and yes, I saw all those walls that God said I built;
and in that fragile moment God squeezed my hand and whispered,
“I want to look at you like this forever.”
That’s when I understood where God wanted this to go
and how small my dreams had been
and how selfish my intentions
and there God was, holding my hand, looking into my eyes,
waiting for me so patiently
while I tried to find the words.

© Meisaan Chan